GETTING THE KID TO PITCH IN
By Yoka Reeder

How to do get the kid to pitch in? Allow him to contribute. "But," you say, "I'm not only allowing him to contribute, I'm telling him to." But when you feel the need to demand the child's contribution, you have already refused his attempts to contribute to you.

Children very naturally want to contribute. Just as you don't like it when others keep doing for you and you give anything back, so your child wants to help you the same way you've helped him. In his first year he just lies there waiting for you to serve him. And from then on you service him. Even little kids want to balance the score. They want to start to contribute. And you have to see that, no matter how unsophisticated their efforts are, and let them do it. And if you do, you won't have to enforce it later.

Two-year olds try to help their parents by driving a ruler, a stick, anything that approximates a vacuum cleaner, and copy the actions of mom vacuuming. That's how they're helping. We need to see that for what it is. If you spot and acknowledge the unsophisticated but darling efforts to help, it's magic.

My daughter came into my room recently with a tray with tea for which the water didn't boil, and was spilled on the precious lace that Aunt Martha made which I cherished, with way too much milk. But she came in there, "I made tea for you." My heart sank but I said: "Thank you, honey." It was more important that I do that because if I came apart because of what my daughter destroyed in her effort to help me, I will have crushed her.

So the way to get your kid to contribute is to allow him or her to contribute. This is hard on you, but you will reap the benefits if you become very alert to these golden intentions, see them for what they are no matter how they come out, and thank him. Say: "You're such a helper, you are taking care of Mommy." He will beam. You've been taking care of him for five years, it's time he did something for you. Say: "I see you're really taking care of me. What would I do without you, I really need you to take care of me because sometimes I need a cup of tea, and who's going to make me a cup of tea?" Lay it on, have at it. They love it. You'll see them grow inches. That's what they're trying to do. Spot the intention, no matter how it looks.

And never tell your child what to do. That's important. Whatever help he decides to give you needs to be his own decision, not yours, and in the manner he wants to do it. Do you see the difference? Telling him to take out the garbage is ordering him around. Now he's following orders. That's not a gift. If I were at a party and the hosts would tell me: "You. Go get some chips and a dip," That wouldn't be my contribution. I would simply follow orders. I didn't give it of myself. I was carrying out orders. That wasn't my gift. But if I walk in the kitchen and asked: "Hey, you want all those carrots chopped?" And they'd agree, I'd be chopping those carrots happily and feeling great about myself - I contributed. That's what it takes. The key is not even the help. The key is that the kid feels good and of value. And he stops protesting and resisting and resenting you. That's what we're after. Want to preserve this beautiful line with your kid, put him in the position where he CAN love you, because he can love himself, and have some sense of value.