RAISING COOPERATIVE CHILDREN
By Yoka Reeder

Yelling at children and trying to control them with force is not a workable method. It results in rebellion and unhappiness in the household.

When my father got in my face, big imposing man that he was, and the veins in his neck stuck out, and his finger was wiggling at me, I heard nothing. I only looked at his finger, froze, and waited for the storm to be over. I didn't hear anything he said. I only wanted to survive the danger, so I couldn't learn anything.

When you try to control children you are putting them in quite a quandary: they love you because you're their parent, but if you are trying to control them you are making yourself their enemy and force them to become subversive so they can survive you.

Children fight for their right to be self-determined. I have a 5-year old daughter. When I want to teach her something I go down on my knees to be not so towering over her. I touch her arm so she knows I'm there, and we establish real communication between us. I smile a big smile and I say: "Hi," and she goes: "Hi," and I say: "Touch my nose," and she'll touch my nose and we laugh, and I'll touch her nose, and we really know that we're both there, and I say: "Honey, I want to tell you something, is that OK?" And I really have her there willing to listen to me.

And then, one time - honestly, just one time, not a thousand: "Do you see that? Those are dirty socks." "Yea." "Do you know where they go?" She goes: "No." I say: "Well, they go in the laundry. You know where that is?" "Oh, yea." "You want to do it a race?" I give her lots of choices. She needs choices because it's the opposite of being ordered around. "OK, do you want to bring the left sock or the right sock?" And she thinks about that. "I'll bring the left sock." "Which one is it?" "That one." "OK. Do you want to run forward or backward." She looks at me: "Forward." "All right." She takes it very seriously.

It may sound funny to you, but being consulted is necessary and a treat, because it says "I know you're there, I know you have an opinion, it is of value, and I'm interested in it." This is a rare treatment for children.

So the next time you find yourself working up a bit of anger because you're doing what the child ought to be doing, and you really hate it, decide that you'll invest some time and teach the child one thing at a time. This so that particular thing you'll never have to do for him again. And make it a game.

If you invest that time teaching him one thing at a time, that is one thing you'll never have to do again. There are not all that many things to teach your child about: it's always the same things: the dishes, the socks, the laundry, the skateboard on the stairs, the roller-skates in the hall.

If you teach your child pleasantly, unhurriedly, playfully and patiently, with the same manners and dignity you treat your adult friends, he will reciprocate most beautifully.